Parting Shots ~ Emails from Abhinyana
Letter/Emails from Thay Abhinyana
All recipient names are removed from the
original emails from the Reverend and replaced with
‘Dear Friends’.
November 28th, 2007. 4.16pm
Dear Friends,
I toyed with the idea this afternoon that if the
tests show that I'll need chemo, I might decline,
gird up my loins, and wander on, seeing what will
happen, and knowing that my time is limited (isn't
everyone's?) Having heard of what it will probably
be like, I don't think I want to go through with it,
especially when there's no certainty that the monster
will be slain. Ah, but there we go again, imaging
all kinds of things.
Are you having fun or what?
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
December 3rd, 2007. 12.40pm
Dear Friends,
You might take this worse than I did:
One of the doctors I saw this morning gave me the
results of last week's PET-scan, and it shows that
the octopus has spread its tentacles and is now in
4 places. An operation at this point seems out of
the question, so it will probably be chemotherapy
and radiotherapy, but I don't know when it will start.
The doctor changed my medication to try to get my
blood sugar down; I'll start on that tomorrow. She
also told me that they were unable to get the scope
down into my stomach, so obviously the gullet has
constricted since Dr. Ravi had a look down.
Hope you are all well.
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
December 4th, 2007. 4.15pm
Dear Friends,
No doubt you are waiting to hear of the final results.
Well, I had my head-scan this morning, but it showed
nothing amiss, and this afternoon, got the verdict
of all these tests, but I'd heard most of it yesterday.
I must have a biopsy on my right hip on Friday, to
confirm that the cancer's spread to the bone there,
as seems to be the case. From what I gathered, treatment
won't start for another couple of weeks or so, and
at best, will only be able to control the malignancy;
it's not sure that it will reach a point where they'll
be able to operate. What it indicates to me is that
I've not got the 10 more years that I'd earlier said
would be enough for me.
Yen Ha visited me this evening and stayed for a while.
I'll have dinner with her and Thong Phap on Thursday
in an Italian restaurant, so I'll get my desired spaghetti
and Italian bread.
So, that's my news. Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
December 5th, 2007. 1.42am
Dear Friends,
Nothing else you can do than be yourself, it's enough
for me. We've known each other for long enough; we
know our weaknesses and strengths.
Forgot to tell you this, but while I was in Sabah,
I even thought of waiting until I got to Delhi to
get a scan done there, instead of bothering you to
take me for one. Good job I didn't, eh?
This morning, the doctor breaking the news to me
seemed to be more upset than me, and I felt it was
my place to console her than she me. Really, I've
met so many nice people in this hospital ~ just like
last time ~ in fact, I've not met anyone there who
wasn't nice!
And tomorrow, I'll take my voice-recorder with me
to record the assessment; hope I can get the thing
to work; it's such a tricky thing, and eats up the
batteries like mad!
I'm thinking of a title for our new book ~ ahead
of writing it (well, I've started already, with the
poems I sent you) ~ either, "The Eye of the Storm",
or "Parting Shots". Which do you like? I
think I know.
But we must be realistic; we're all dying.
This is a time when you can see who are your real
friends. Others just fall by the wayside.
I won't try to put you off coming, but wait a while
to see how things go; I might need you to bust me
out of the hospital.
I've been thinking of what I'll say during my talk
at the temple on Sunday. Hope it'll come alright.
Guess that's all for now, so I'll stop here. Hope
you are all well and having fun.
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
December 12th, 2007. 12.39pm
Dear Friends,
After seeing the radiation specialist this morning,
I can now give the results of last Friday's biopsy:
The octopus's spread is confirmed, and it's in my
breastbone, as well as the hip. We discussed treatment
~ radiation ~ getting nuked ~ chemotherapy, a combination
of both, or neither. In any case, it will be some
weeks before it begins. The radiation would home in
on a particular spot ~ the main tumor in the gullet
~ and zap it, so that it shrinks; the chemo was be
kind of general, and attack all the parts of the octopus.
Both have side- effects, and will knock me down.
I was also taken to see a diabetes nurse, who instructed
me how to inject myself with insulin, of which I was
given a supply as well as the injecting- device; I'll
give myself the first shot this evening before dinner
(I had a trial-injection without insulin, and it wasn't
very painful; I'll manage).
Hope you are all well there.
Thay Abhinyana.
December 13th, 2007. 12.27pm
Dear Friends,
My insulin-injection didn't produce the hoped-for
results, and I was instructed to increase the dosage.
It will take some time, of course, to decide upon
the correct dosage. I inject into my abdomen, but
am surprised that there's not as much belly-fat as
there used to be!
It was harder to swallow this morning and I had more
pain, later, I took some Panadol to relieve it. Lunch
wasn't so bad; someone had brought cheesy-macaroni
and curried potatoes, hmm!
Well, having had some time to think about things,
I intend to discuss with Sujith about not going for
the treatment. I heard from someone else that he understands
this. He was with me yesterday when I got the results,
so he knows it's quite far gone. I don't want to go
through the treatment when there is little chance
of success, so I must prepare myself ~ and you must,
too ~ in what time I have left. This doesn't mean
I'm giving up, as I'll try other things, but we must
be realistic and not hide from the fact that, no matter
what we do, we will all die; it's just a matter of
time. And anyway, as you know, I've been ready to
go for some time ~ long, long before I learned about
this octopus.
BWFWE? Thay Abhinyana.
December 21st, 2007. 2.09pm
Dear Friends,
Prepare yourself, because I'm sorry to tell you
that the news is worse than expected: it is more advanced
than we thought, and when I asked the oncologist how
long he thought I might have, with or without treatment,
he said a year at max. There, you have it, and unless
whatever else I'm trying kicks in and prolongs my
life, I must get ready to go, sooner than I thought,
and maybe much sooner ~ a matter of 4 - 6 months.
With the 1 in 4 chance of controlling it by chemotherapy,
I won't go for the treatment, and I hope you won't
try to change my mind. And don't think of coming to
visit me unless I deteriorate sharply and am unable
to return to Malaysia.
Nilukar and Dr. Deepal accompanied me, and afterwards,
he asked me what I thought of the options I'd been
given, and when I told him I'd already made up my
mind before seeing the oncologist, he didn't try to
dissuade me and was in fact, fully supportive. Sometime
next week, I'll probably see the social-worker of
the hospital ~ otherwise known as the palliative-care
worker ~ and discuss possibilities with her, including
the use of my body for medical research should I die
here. At this point, we must think of everything while
we can. All this doesn't mean I'm giving up. I must
have told you that during my upcoming talks, I intend
to tell everyone how to get their chi flowing and
ask them to send it to me; this could have quite an
effect.
A friend stopped by today while I was at the hospital
and left some things she had got from a naturopath
for me, which have proved quite helpful in cases such
as mine. I'm riding on the wings of love as well as
Dharma.
And today, for the first time in several years, we
had some decent rain, but it seems to have passed
now; it won't have done much to alleviate the severe
drought we're in.
That's all my news for now, but rest assured that
I'm as I was about all this ~ not too upset.
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
January 8th, 2008. 2.20am
Dear Friends,
I was having a bad day yesterday. I took some morphine-based
syrup, and it helped he pain somewhat. There's no
way of knowing ~ short of another scan ~ how far it's
gone and how fast it's moving, but the fact that I'm
still giving talks shows I've not given up.
No doubt it will get worse than it is if nothing
is done to halt it. I'll make an effort this morning
and go for a walk; I've become really lazy lately,
and the heat doesn't help.
However, we had a cooler day and night, so I'll venture
out at 5:30pm, there's a nice walking route near here.
Lunch was a bit hard to start with, but I recovered
and made it. It's not easy to know what to say when
people ask what I'd like to eat, as I've seen that
things don't turn out as I'd like them.
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE? Thay Abhinyana.
January 20th, 2008. 5.37am
Dear Friends,
Excuse me for not recognizing you on Friday. It's
been a while since we last communicated, and I didn't
expect you.
Yes, Yen Ha's son was quite emotional. I since learned
that it was because he was thinking that I might not
have much longer to live. He was alright afterwards.
Apart from the increasing pain and difficult in eating,
I'm alright, and I hope I can remain without needing
someone to help me until the end.
I spoke with my sister in Queensland yesterday, and
she's happy that I've decided to spend 2 or 3 days
with her before flying out to Malaysia on 5th of Feb;
we'll have a lot to talk about, but she's sure to
be sad when I leave.
Hope you are all well there.
Best Wishes from (Rev.) Abhinyana.
23th January 2008 9.25 PM
Dear Friends,
It seems you are under the impression that I've
left Australia already, but I'm in Melbourne, due
to go to Brisbane on the 28th, and from there to Malaysia
on 5th of Feb., although I'm having second thoughts
about that. My condition is deteriorating, and if
I'm not well enough, I won't go to Malaysia; maybe
I'll return to Adelaide.
I am not sure if I'll make it from Melbourne to Brisbane
on the 28th, let alone to Malaysia on the 5th. If
I'm no better than I am, I probably won't go, but
will return to Adelaide instead, where everything
has been arranged ~ or soon will be ~ for my final
days. I reserve the right to change my mind at any
time, as my condition changes. I will keep you informed.
I hope you are all well there.
Best Wishes from (Rev.) Abhinyana.
24th January 2008 9.25 PM
Dear Friends,
A temple is ~ or should be ~ a place where people
can learn something and grow spiritually.
Since she did her meditation-course, Yen Ha realized
that the Way is inside herself. I'm very pleased with
her.
Feel under no obligations, as you have other things
to do and must be able to choose freely. If you want
to help, do so, but if you don't want, or are unable
to, don't feel shy to tell them so.
Chinese New Year is a cultural thing. I hope you'll
enjoy spending it with your parents, because you won't
always be able to.
Best Wishes from (Rev.) Abhinyana
February 26th, 2008. 5.37am
Dear Friends,
Needless to say, I'm not too happy about the octopus,
but neither am I unhappy about it. I've just accepted
it and am letting it take its course; it saves me
going up to the snow-fields, but I do wish it would
be quicker about it. I would like to see you again,
of course, but there's no way of knowing if I'll still
be around by April. If I am, there'll be time to book
your flight at short-notice, I guess.
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
Thay Abhinyana.
February 28th, 2008. 9.28am
Subject: The moment is mine.
Dear Friends,
I'm not an invalid yet, and am still able to do
things. What I can do I should do, while I can. The
moment is mine.
This morning, I got an email from someone in Malaysia
containing the standard ~ but meaningless ~ Buddhist
blessing: "MAY YOU BE WELL AND HAPPY ALWAYS".
It is meaningless because it's impossible, and I'll
tell him so when I reply. Always? Not even the Buddha
was always well and happy! When people say this to
me, I say, "Oh please, no; don't wish me that,
but wish me something that's possible, like more understanding,
for example." We should think before we speak.
This would mean saying a lot less, but what we say
would make more sense.
I hope you are all well there.
Best Wishes from Thay Abhinyana.
March 4th, 2008. 9.30am
Dear Friends,
What made me most sad about the refugee-situation
was not so much the awful suffering, but the fact
that so few of the refugees seemed to have learned
so little from it. If they'd learned something from
it, as you did ~ even though it was not immediate,
the suffering wouldn't have been so bad. You know,
I met a number of people in their countries of resettlement
who told me that, although they called themselves
Buddhists before, they understood very little about
Buddhism until they became refugees. I always tried
to present things realistically, without holding out
false promises or hope. Not many people wanted this,
however, and the Christian missionaries were far more
successful that I was, with things that had to be
taken on belief, without proof. Buddhism is really
not for the faint-hearted, and I don't agree with
diluting things to suit people's taste, until there's
no flavor left at all. We must adapt ourselves to
the Dharma, as the Dharma will never adapt itself
to us and our desires or wishes.
I remember going for alms around the camps; it was
a good way of saying something without words.
Best Wishes from Thay Abhinyana.
March 8th, 2008. 11.04am
Dear Friends,
Nice to get your email, though I thought you'd forgotten
about me. I guess you're quite busy; such is the way
things often are here. How do you find living in Oz,
now you've had time to adjust? I'm often reminded
that, in some ways, we're living in heaven here, because
I've been in places that, by no stretch of the imagination,
could conditions be described as that.
I mean, the full-cost of some of the medication I'm
on, and for which, with a health-care-card, I pay
only $5 or $10, is $100's. I know that this is not
the way to describe heaven, but care and kindness
I experienced throughout the extensive tests I underwent
in SA's best state hospital ~ the Royal Adelaide Hospital
~ was so heartwarming, that I wrote to the Hospital
Administation afterwards to tell of how I felt. I'm
attaching it for you, thinking you might find it interesting.
Many years have passed since we met in TBS; that
was when I was just starting out on my Dharma- missionary
work, naive and inexperienced, but you have to start
somewhere with anything, and although I've changed
and like to think it's been for the better, my ideas
are basically the same, based on my experiences of
Dharma before I became a monk, or even became a Buddhist,
as such. Only I can tell of that, however, as I've
kept in touch with no-one from those days who could
vouch for it.
You know, whenever we meet someone, or whose path
crosses ours even for just a moment, and whether we
are aware of it or not, like it or not, our lives
are changed forever thereby, and we cannot delete
it. This is the truth of Anatta. There is very little
~ if anything at all ~ that we can call 'I' or 'mine';
most of us is 'not-I', and our lives are greatly enriched
by the people we meet. If we were asked to tell our
story ~ the story of our life ~ without mentioning
anyone or anything else, what could we say? Could
we say anything at all? we are certainly not nothing,
but something much, much more than we think of as
'I', 'Me' and 'Mine'. In fact, upon examination and
analysis of anything, we find everything involved
in it ~ everything, the whole universe!
With our fearful self-concern, however, we try to
catch the wind in a bottle, as it were; at the heart
of all our pious practices is to be found the ego,
like a spider at the center of its web, trying to
control everything, or like a dog running round and
round in circles, trying to catch its own tail. There's
no need to do anything special; we just need to see
what we call the ordinary, because herein and nowhere
else, may the special be found.
I hope you and yours are all well there.
Best Wishes from (Rev.) Abhinyana.
March 9th, 2008. 1.50am
Dear Friends,
Here's a quotation I got from a book called "Om"
that I read some years ago; it stuck in my mind: "There
is no such thing as sacrifice; there is only opportunity
to serve." No doubt you've seen at the Otts and
other places the emphasis people place on doing good
and 'serving'; how can people like that learn?
This is such a dark house; no matter which window
you sit by, little light comes in because of the trees
and foliage outside; I must turn a light on, even
in the daytime, to read a book or see my keyboard,
and that goes against my green inclinations.
I've always been an early riser; getting up early
has never been a problem for me, unlike with brother
George, who had to be called many times, to persuade
him to raise his head; we were so different, he and
I. This morning, however, I awoke very hungry, about
1:30, and upon finding my bsl to be 2.8 (I'd taken
40 mls of insulin last night, but didn't eat much
afterwards), ate something quickly, and after a while
reading my incoming mail and some of the news, nodded
off to sleep and awoke again at 6:30, still sitting
in my chair. I turned off my computer and slept again
until 9:45. Sheila and Frank had gone to their market,
so I took the opportunity of being lazy. Took 21 mls
of morphine-syrup (they'd assured me I could take
even more without fear of o.d.-ing on it. I then had
quite a good motion, having taken a strong dose of
senna-pod tea last night.
Yesterday, I got a call from a young guy in Sydney
named Duc, who I'd met in August, saying he'd like
to visit me here, and because he was quite adamant
about it, I bent my rule again, as I did for you.
He just called again to say he'd booked a flight for
Tuesday morning, and will fly to Noosa. He'll return
that evening after spending some hours with me. I
must get extra rest in the morning.
I told him that I'd not heard from anyone in the
Sydney temple where I'd met him, and wondered if I'd
done anything wrong; I mean, I have not got a single
word or sign from anyone there to my emails ~ you
know how it's a custom of mine to write to people
in the place I've just left), my text-messages or
my letter; when this happens, I always search my mind
to see if the fault is somehow mine, but I could find
nothing. He threw
some light on this by telling me that many things
had happened after I left (though not because of me),
and that most of the monks and nuns had left, either
back to Vietnam or to other temples; Duc himself seldom
goes there, and I imagine he's quite disillusioned,
as he wanted to become a monk eventually.
I've an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning,
and after that will go shopping for a printer, which
I need at times. You know the little Zen story of
a teacher who was fond of pointing out something good
in things around him, don't you? One day, his students
decided to test him to see how far he would go. Pointing
to the rotting carcass of a dog beside the road, the
spokesman of the group asked him, "Master, can
you see anything positive about this stinking corpse?"
"Yes", said the teacher, "What beautiful
teeth"!
And what is it but love to care enough about others
to share their lives and try to bring about some elevation
~ to point out latent abilities and potential, to
show them different ways of looking at things, to
help them to find themselves? This is why I didn't
allow fear of very real danger prevent me from going
to places like Pakistan, Iran or Turkey. I can imagine
repeating what I did on a bus in the desert in Pakistan
in '70, singing the children's song, "This Old
Man", until, before long, everyone in the crowded
bus ~ from fierce rifle-toting, turbaned, bearded
tribesmen, to their Burqa-clad women, were singing
along with me, but all they could make out of the
words was "This Old Man, This Old Man",
over and over again. And another time, at a bus-top
in the desert of Afghanistan, I got off with everyone
else to stretch my legs, and began playing a single-stringed
Indian instrument I'd made and carried with me. Soon,
all the people from the bus, and passengers from other
buses, too, gathered around me, clapping their hands
and tapping their feet ~ some were even dancing ~
and I was plied with gifts of water-melon and tea
~ things to appreciate in desert conditions. I had
the ability to make people laugh. This is not to say
I only had good times in places like this, as there
were hard and dangerous times too, when I had to live
on my wits.
When you write about me, do it fairly and objectively,
knowing it will be read by people completely unknown
to us. You could tell of your first impressions, and
how you later came to see me differently, but I don't
expect flattery, and won't have that; on the other
hand, better not say too much about my negativities,
which I know about only too well. If you're able to,
say something about my 'work', and what, if anything,
you've
learned from/through me. Now, even though you've known
me only 4 years, in some ways, you know me much better
than some of the others do, as you've read and re-read
all my books and is much deeper into Dharma than them.
The Group of Five are all Chinese, from different
countries, which is why I wanted to add some non-Chinese/Asians.
Thong Phap has already signed in, but there's nothing
from Sue yet. I've just heard from Indian/Singaporean
Sailesh to say he's very pleased to join us; he asked
for the contact details of the others.
I told Victor when I called him last night, that because
I'm still well enough, you could/should send your
efforts to me directly for my perusal and checking.
I'm open to suggestions about a new title.
Yesterday, I asked Sheila if she'd like to write
something in my 'souvenir-book' that you started for
me, knowing full-well when I did so, that her effort
would be nothing at all like some of the things that
others had written. I told her to take her time, but
I won't be surprised if she says that nothing will
come into her mind; I won't push it. We live in different
worlds that only occasionally bump into each other.
And with that, I'll stop here, hoping you are all
well.
Best Wishes from BWFWE?
March 10th, 2008. 7.29pm
Dear Friends,
El Dorado wrote something for "Shots"
and sent it to me, but in my response, I told him
that what I had in mind was not so much his memories
of me, personally, (although that could come into
it), but more of what I said and did that struck him
and made sense to him, if anything. I've shared plenty
of my insights with you over the years; now I'd like
some of yours. Remember, I'm the editor of all this.
Can I be objective in this? Or should I simply polish
and add to things that others write?
I got a printer this morning, but am lacking the
appropriate cable; I'll ask Sheila to drop by and
get one for me while stay home to await the arrival
of Duc, around noon; she'll be surprised when she
gets back to find him here, with his pumpkin-soup.
And talking about this, her neighbour, Edna, stopped
by this afternoon, bringing pumpkin soup. I won't
eat it, however, because I couldn't be sure of its
contents, whereas with Duc, he understands my requirements.
Talking about Edna, two weeks ago, her husband sent
a bag of books for my perusal, so I chose one about
Bombay, of over 900 pages, but two-thirds of the way
through it, I spilled coffee on it ~ not too bad,
but that's not how it came to me, so either I buy
a replacement (it wasn't brand-new, but in good condition),
or offer him some compensation. It was A$35 new.
The printer-copier-scanner was A$69 (with a $10
discount), and the cable-connection will be $9. Well,
I might as well get what I need or is useful to me,
especially as I have plenty of the wherewithal; I'm
not going to take either the money or what it buys
with me, and I don't know how much longer I'll linger.
Did I tell you that I got another call from my sister
in England yesterday; it's good to be friends with
her again. Unless something wonderful happens and
Ollie the Octopus decides to withdraw to the South
Pacific or the Arctic depths, it's highly unlikely
that we'll see each other again, as I can't see her
making the horribly-long flight from England to Oz.
What do you think ~ at this stage, should I give
Ollie orders to move on, or pray that I'll go soon?
Guess that's all for now, so I'll give myself a
shot of insulin and wait a while to eat something.
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE? (Rev.) Abhinyana.
March 12th, 2008. 7.44am
Dear Friends,
I had my worst night yet, with so much pain; we've
just called Cittamani to ask someone to come out and
see me sometime today; they'll be here after lunch.
Lunch? If it's anything like yesterday, there will
be no lunch, but I've managed a bowl of cereal and
the rest of the cake I started on yesterday, so this
is a good sign. I might even manage a packet of the
instant noodles that Huy brought for me yesterday.
I've got heaps of email to reply to, but won't be
able to write much. Must reply in some detail to you
and explain clearer what I want from the contributors
to "Parting Shots". Perhaps I expect too
much of others.
I had a nice time with Duc yesterday, although it
was very tiring for me, especially since I had no
time to nap in the morning, and had a hard time over
the soup he'd brought. I started to spit up, and it
went on for many hours ~ even until the night; I didn't
eat anything ~ even after they'd left ~ except a mouthful
of cake. I gave what I thought was a good Dharma-talk,
and he appreciated it; it was good because he'd made
the effort ~ and expense (he's working only part-time
now), to come, and so he was open and receptive, and
made me think of inviting people from Brisbane to
come on Sunday morning for a talk; this would be good
for me, too.
An hour after Duc got here at noon, Huy called to
say he wanted to visit me at 3 pm ~ half-an-hour before
Sheila & Frank got back ~ so they were all able
to sit and talk together for a while until Duc left
at 5 pm, having told me something of the situation
in the temple where I'd stayed last year.
Now, let me try to get things straight about "PARTING
SHOTS" ~ 'ground-rules', as you put it ~ instead
of expecting you to understand what I want using your
intuition.
First of all, you should keep it in mind that the
book will reach people we don't know, many of whom
will have a limited knowledge of Dharma and whose
English might not be too good. Many people have said
that the way I write is simple and clear, but has
different layers, so that people of different levels
can understand. If we write poems, for example, many
people might be unable to understand what is clear
to us, but they must guess at our meanings. We should
try to avoid this, and make thing so clear that people
have no need to guess.
You are right: I should not appoint myself as editor,
like a dictator. Now, here's a new idea, and I'd like
your opinion of it: How about if you all ~ the people
I've requested to contribute something ~ comment on
what I've written in "PS" (and I'm sending
you another copy of it), and other books ~ anything
that strikes you, in fact. I'll leave it to you to
choose what to comment on it, but to say which article.
This might be easier. For example, if something from
"Roads" has hit you, say something like,
"This is in response to the passage beginning
with and ending with on pages ...... from "Do
You Believe" in "Because I Care". In
fact, this gives you plenty of source- material. Or,
"I would lke to comment on something the author
has written in ....." This, I think, would be
much easier, but let me say it again:
Select a passage from somewhere in anything I've
written ~ in "Just A Thought" or anywhere
else, and comment on it, saying what has struck you
about it, or what it means to you.
As far as possible, give dates and places ~ for
example, from the above, 1980, Manila ~ and anything
else that gives an idea of the setting.
I've just received the following from someone I
met in one of the refugee camps in 1986, and I like
her suggestion:- like your letters written to us.
It's straight to the heart, to the mind. I think it
would be nice and helpful for us to read them. I find
I can either learn, reflect or reassure from them.
I hope you allow us to collect the letters you choose.
Who knows you will have a book with the title like
"Letters from Thay Abhinyana", or "Letters
from the Teacher", with different topics. I believe
it helps me, it can help others too. What do you think,
Thay?
And here is how I would correct it to make it more
readable:
'...like the letters he wrote to us, which were
straight to the heart and mind. I think it would be
nice and helpful for others to read them. Perhaps
it could be entitled "Letters from Thay Abhinyana"
or "Letters from a Teacher", on various
topics'.
And surely, from the letters I've written to you
all over the years, you could all come up with something.
If not, well, opt out of this exercise right now.
Please let me know if what I've said is clear or
not, or ask any questions you like about it.
I'll send a copy of the above to all our colleagues.
Well, I guess that's all for now. You'll excuse me
I'm sure, for not responding to what you've written.
I was/am racing against time. You'll be pleased to
know that the liquid-morphine I took earlier did what
it's supposed to do, so now, you'll be pleased to
hear that the pain that was so bad before is greatly
diminished.
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
March 16th, 2008. 10.39am
Dear Friends,
I never knew you thought about me as you did, and
now I want to shed tears! Yesterday, I got my sister
to read what you wrote, and not surprisingly, being
the emotional person she is, she had to pause several
times before she could proceed when a lump came to
her throat. I'd asked her to write something for my
souvenir-book, but any hope of her doing so has gone
after reading your epistle. Did you write it only
recently, if so, your memory is really remarkable?
I won't change much of what you wrote, and will
send you a copy when I've done ~ maybe later today
~ but I'd still like you to write something else,
in response to one of my articles in "Just A
Thought". Please try. I'd appreciate it very
much. I've no idea what I'll get from others, but
I don't expect anything so wonderfully long.
I don't remember it now, but I had another bad night,
and called out to my sister, which is something I
wouldn't do unless absolutely necessary. Fortunately,
she didn't hear me, so she didn't respond. I say 'fortunately',
because I was alright again by the time she called
me before going off to her market, and I told her
to go. That was three hours ago. Had she heard my
call, she wouldn't have gone, even though their car
was already loaded up yesterday. Perhaps I've been
praying too hard to go; I'd better ease off a bit
if I'm going to get another book done ~ another book
after "Parting Shots", as I'm thinking of
this now ~ a book of responses to emails/letters I've
written to people over the years. Someone suggested
this. There really is so much I could and should do,
having received so much kindness and support.
And yes! Why not a picture of me on the buffalo
for the front-cover of "Parting Shots"?
Because I've got the place to myself until Frank
& Sheila get back from the market, I've shifted
my writing-station to the sewing-room, before a large
window, outside which is a miniature 'jungle', and
my eyes are caught now and then by the movement of
birds fluttering through the trees and shrubs. I glance
up, and watch the ascendants of the dinosaurs (according
to current ideas) flutter by, in their vari-colored
plumage; there are so many varieties. I've always
been an amateur ornithologist.
And with that, I'll leave you to enjoy your Sunday.
BWFWE?
March 18th, 2008. 3.43pm
Dear Friends,
I had a hard day today. We set out to walk, but hadn't
gone 50 meters before rain brought us scurrying back.
Frank & Sheila went to the doctor's, where Frank
had given him a report about me that I couldn't believe!
This is not the Frank I know. He's really kind and
considerate of me now, and told the doctor that he
knows I'm in pain, but that I try not to show it,
and that I don't rest as much as I should, working
as I do on my computer. On the downside, though ~
and probably quite accurately, he told him I'm rather
grumpy; I didn't mind the last
bit because it's true; it's the other parts I was
pleasantly surprised about.
The doctor was so moved by what Frank told him about
me that he said whenever I need to see him, I should
just go in without making an appointment, and he would
see me as soon as possible. I'm so lucky with doctors,
am I not?
When they came back, they had a quick drink before
taking me to the next, bigger, town ~ Maroochydor
~ at about 10 o'clock, and on the way, Frank pulled
over to show me a bridge over a river that empties
into the sea nearby, and told me that, subject to
my approval, this was the place ~ the middle of the
bridge ~ where he intends to scatter my ashes. I was
quite amazed that he should take this so seriously.
Here he was, thinking about scattering my ashes and
he's reading my book, "JAT"!
At Maroochydor, we went to various shops, looking
for things for me, including the book on which I'd
spilled coffee, and although we found a copy, it was
no cheaper than the copy I'd borrowed (A$35), so we
thought of just offering them $10 in compensation,
but upon returning and checking the book, Sheila had
difficulty in finding the stain ~ so did I ~ but I
still think we should offer, and let the guy decide
himself.
While we were having coffee in a shopping-mall,
Huy called to ask if Thanh had called me, and I told
him no. He ~ like me ~ thought this wasn't very good,
because even though her husband is away, she has a
mind of her own and knows my number. Apparently, she
told Huy that two cars-full of people would come,
but she better make sure someone calls before Sunday
and not come without calling, otherwise I might decide
not to let them in.
I was quite exhausted even before we headed for
home, where I immediately went horizontal. The thing
is, it's clear that I'm having more days like this
than not.
Sheila intends to cook cauliflower-au-gratin and
chips for me, but I really don't feel like eating
anything, so I've put her off, saying, "Maybe
tomorrow."
And with that, I will stop here, hoping you are
all well.
BWFWE? (Rev.) Abhinyana.
March 21st, 2008. 3.38am
Everyone knows that diamonds are more precious than
stones. If someone gave you the choice between a diamond
and 10,000 stones, which would you choose? Be careful
with your answer.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The way I'm feeling now, I'll probably go soon. I
spoke with my brother-in-law yesterday about him being
ready to find me unresponsive in bed one morning;
we cannot take things for granted. I was hoping to
finish "Parting Shots", but now,........
Hope you are well there.
BWFWE? (Rev.) Abhinyana.
March 22nd, 2008 1:31 PM
Saturday
Subject: Getting stoned?
Dear Friends,
Did I tell you that I'd kept a lot of notes written
by primary-school-kids in response to talks I gave
in schools in Adelaide in 1975, the year before I
came to M'cca? We ~ that is, Yen Ha, Sue (she and
her then-husband, Don, arranged and took me to many
of these talks), and myself ~ are thinking of making
a whole new book based on these talks; Sue would play
a big part in this book.
The hospice nurse ~ Karen ~ increased the strength
~ doubled it, in fact ~ of the Fentanyl patches I'm
on, and I can feel it. Just now, I asked Frank and
Sheila ~ Frank's the best one to ask now ~ if they
see any sign of me hallucinating or saying things
that don't make sense, and to get a clear answer from
them, I said something that they'd really need to
focus on, and they answered that no, what I say makes
sense and is not just gobbledegook (I must talk tomorrow,
don't forget).
And upon getting up this morning, I had the idea
of requesting them to forego their market-trip in
order to attend my talk. I wrote it out and printed
it nicely, so:
Dear Frank and Sheilakin,
You've been asking me what you might do for me, and
I've been saying 'Nothing, thanks', but now I've thought
of 'Something' ~ I'd like to ask you to sit in on
on my talk tomorrow, as it might be my 'Swan-Song',
and could be interesting ~ for you, as well as as
for me.
I was taking a risk, especially with Sheila, as they
are so attached to their market and doing things by
routine. I put it on the kitchen bench-top, and later
~ 6 o'clock ~ when Sheila called to ask how I was,
I asked if she'd seen my note, she asked where it
was; I told her, and she went to get it, coming back
to say that they'd have to cancel their stall with
the market-manager, otherwise, they might lose it
(it was very hard to get a stall to being with). Later
still, when I joined them at the brekky-table, they
told me they would join us. It will be a gamble, what
we are doing, and the results remain to be seen. Let's
see if anything else happens as the day unfolds.
No doubt her mind will be churning away, from one
gear to another, as it has been doing; I've already
seen the signs and heard the words; I don't need to
understand every word (oh, we speak the same language,
but you must understand the nuances and the inflections,
too, not just the inky-words; much misunderstanding
and trouble comes from not taking enough time to think
carefully.
Karen ~ my favourite of the hospice nurses ~ just
called me, and we had a long talk, with more instructions.
Then, before she goes down town to get me a fresh
prescription, Sheila told me that she'd tried to get
through to the market-manager, but could only get
voice-mail, and doesn't understand this (neither do
I, as you can imagine), so you can see her mind-cogs
turning. Poor Sheila!
Must stop now; you've no idea how long it's taken
me to write this! I am not too well this morning;
can this be the day?
BWFWE? Abhinyana.
March 22nd, 2008.
Dear Friends,
Sorry to tell you that, because I'm in such pain
now ~ very hard to get up from the bed first thing
to take my medication ~ that I won't be able to give
anyone more than a very short reply, and must turn
everything regarding my books over to my group of
friends. I think you'll all know what to do by now.
There're enough funds in Malacca. I'll leave you to
do what needs to be done with your friend in San Jose.
Please liaise with the others. I don't know how long
I can go on with this. Very often, I want to die,
but I also want to carry on with this work.
I love you all so much and hope you are all well.
Best Wishes from Abhinyana.
March 22nd, 2008. 2:48 AM
It's 2:48am, and I've just taken some medication,
hoping I'll pull through. People will come around
9:30am.
(Note: The next e-mail published here was written
after a Dharma-Talk given at his sister’s house
where Rev. Abhinyana was staying.)
March 23rd, 2008. 5:27 PM
Sunday
Subject: Nice day.
Dear Friends,
I don't feel much like writing, as I'm in a lot
of pain in spite of the medication, and the pain has
spread from my back into my thighs, where it's never
been before, but my talk went well ~ even if I say
so myself; pity it was recorded only by Walkman, and
I don't know how that recorded. We started more-or-less
on time and by then, most of the people who were coming
had come. I came out from my room at 9:30am, and started
to talk soon after. Hoa and his wife, Helen, were
a little late, but I'm glad they came anyway, and
Huy's mum and brother, Thanh, were a little later
still. Phong, of course, didn't come until almost
noon, as he came by plane from Melbourne, bringing
things I'd asked him to.
I began by saying that one of our main problems,
and one that goes on throughout our lives, is that
we spend most of our time looking, but not seeing,
and led them, slowly, through this to finally arrive
at realization of how this is so, without giving them
a quick answer. Most of them understood enough English
to catch my meanings, but for the sake of those who
didn't, there was someone quietly translating, while
I spoke slowly. It went on for just over two hours,
with time for some questions, too. I was pleased to
see Frank and Sheila paying attention, and over the
next few days, I'm sure to get some feedback from
it ~ more than I've had already; they assured me that
they had no regrets of staying back from their market
to listen, and were impressed by how attentive everyone
was; the only other talk of mine they'd attended was
22 years ago, in the Phap Hoa temple in Adelaide.
After the talk, people dispersed to eat what Sheila
had prepared ~ Devonshire scones with jam-and-cream,
and tea or coffee ~ not a full meal. Some left at
2:00pm, and the last ~ Phong ~ at 4:00, when I was
free to take a much-needed nap, satisfied, but still
in pain (sorry to have to tell you this). The weather
had been quite fine for us, and Frank had enjoyed
giving them a guided-tour and ear-jacking them.
After my nap, I got a call from someone in Melbourne
~ a lady by the name of To Chau who I'd known there
years before before; she'd come to hear of me from
Tinh Giac and called to offer me her sympathy. I got
her email-address and will write to her after this.
This must e-mail needs to be short, and I'm sure you
understand this. We'll be back to where we were within
a few days. For now, I hope you are all well in every
way. Looking forward to your news.
BWFWE? Abhinyana.
March 24th, 2008. 9:43 AM
Monday
Subject: Too Much Pain Now.
Dear Friends,
I like your website, it's a great idea; thanks a
lot for being so involved in this.
Lien's deadline is too short; I'll tell her about
this. She wants to do it as fast as possible because
of me, but no matter how fast, it won't be enough.
I don't know how long I can go on with this. Very
often, I want to die, but I also want to carry on
with this work.
I see Lien wrote to you. May I ask you to do the
necessary with her, as it's hard for me to focus now?
Plus you know better what she's talking about than
me.
I had a visit from one of the nurses earlier; she
gave me a shot of morphine so I wouldn't vomit it
out as I'd done before with the oral stuff, and inserted
a connection into my abdomen, so that more could be
injected later. Well, after a nap, I was still in
pain and blew my whistle to call Sheila to help me
get up (the first time I'd done this); she came and
helped me with the second injection, which is gradually
taking effect). I then asked her to sit and talk with
me a while, and told her how, when I was in Taiping
in 1973, I came to know of a young boy suffering from
cancer in hospital, and started to visit him every
day, but though my heart was there, I was inexperienced
in this and might have done more harm than good, because
as the disease progressed and his stomach began to
swell as if he was pregnant, I could feel that he
didn't look forward to my visits, as he knew he was
on his way out. He died in that awful place; his name
was Ah Keong, and he was only 14.
I love you all so much and hope you are well.
Best Wishes from Abhinyana
BWFWE?
March 27th, 2008. 2:02 AM
Thursday
Dear Friends,
Delighted to get your story, and I'll include it
in "Parting Shorts" if you polish it some
more under your mum's
guidance, as she's good at that. It needs some filling
out, if you know what I mean: Like you, it needs to
put on a bit of weight, while my octopus needs to
lose some!
So, you felt me with you while you were in India.
That's because I was, all the way. When we meet someone,
that person is always with us, always part of our
lives. I'm glad you moved someone to join with you
in cleaning up; that's great.
You got something wrong about my story, however.
It wasn't a dog-bite that brought me back for an operation,
but something else. The dog-bite was another story.
There are so many stories in our lives. But what happened
brought me into your lives, and it went on from there.
I got hit by a careless motorcyclist, you see, and
I sustained facial-injury. It was something good,
however, because it brought me into your lives. We
can't explain everything, because there are so many
things involved in every effect, like the knots in
a fishing-net: pick up one of the knots in the net,
and all the knots come with it. Isn't it so?
I hope you are all well there.
Best Wishes from Thay Abhinyana.
April 3rd, 2008. 2:58 AM
Thursday
Dear Friends,
How are you there? Nothing else from you this morning,
so you'll have to have something from me. And me?
~ I'm still waiting to see what happens. It's already
4 months since I was given the prognosis, and I'm
still holding on. DV will come on Saturday, and "Parting
Shots" is on the way; perhaps it can go on without
me, but I'll still work on it. I don't intend to go
for chemo, so it can take me now, whenever. I've not
found out about hemlock, ala Socrates, although I
sometimes feel bad and ready to go. I sometimes retch,
but nothing much comes; it feels like I'm tearing
my guts out; I hate it, and Sheila & Frank retch
sympathetically with me.
The doctor ~ his name is Andrew Wall; we address
them by first names ~ will visit me today ~ at his
suggestion, not at my request; it's quite amazing,
as this seldom happens here ~ and I'll pretend I'm
better than I am (actually, at the moment, as I sit
here and write, I'm not too bad), because I don't
want to hear him say that I'd be better off in hospital.
I hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
April 4th, 2008. 3:38 AM
Friday
Dear Friends,
I made a short start on checking the messages of
"PS", what a procrastinator I am!
The weekend-deadline I'd set myself is almost here,
and I'm still up and down, but the doctor was so positive
when he visited today that he gave me multiple scripts
of morphine so that I needn’t be calling every
week or so! Oh gee, must I live that long! He told
me to take it whenever I need it. Well, I took it
thrice today already, and before I sleep, I'll take
more, so I'll be relatively pain-free until morning
~ relatively, I said, because there's always some
discomfort, and I feel more comfortable in certain
chairs than in others. I'm still sorting
through what little's left of my stuff; there won't
be much to do after I've gone.
Sheila she got back from her tests diagnosed with
osteoporosis, dammit! Not really spoken with her about
this
yet! Don't know what this will mean, but she's relieved
to know it's not cancer, as she thought it might be
because of the long-term pain in her back, and because
it's so close-up to her now in my 57.6 kg case.
Well, I'm rambling, so had better stop here, hoping
you are all well.
BWFWE?
April 9th, 2008. 10:25 PM
Wednesday
Dear Friends,
Whatever the rose comes out like, it will be for
my coffin, as that's all I want in the way of flowers;
I don't know if I told you this ~ a paper-flower.
Now, I got 17 in the way of mail, and I'd not finished
replying to what was there. I'm really lethargic now,
not wanting to do anything yesterday, and I've got
an acupuncturist coming this afternoon.
I'll try to stop mixing up between "JAT"
and "PS", but I'm now having to adjust with
decreased medication now, it seems I don't need so
much now, and it's throwing me off. Strange, isn't
it? At 12 midnight, I've just taken my first morphine,
and if it's anything like the past few days, I won't
need more until another 12 hours or so. Last night,
I asked Sheila & Frank to check on me through
the night in case I go into a diabetic- coma, as I
took my insulin, but was unable to eat anything. This
didn't happen, fortunately, but just in case it did,
I told
Frank to insert a glucose tablet into my mouth when
he got up to the toilet. Am I in a mess or what?
Hope you are all well there.
BWFWE?
April 11th, 2008. 11:57 PM
Friday
Dear Friends,
I didn't get around to you yesterday as I was pretty
tired, but otherwise alright. However, as I've said
before, we must take each day as my last. You know
this, don't you, so, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye! I
can't say everything I'd like to say, and you'll have
to guess.
One of the nurses came first, followed by Doctor
Andrew, with his updated ideas of medication ~ inserting
a pump loaded with various medication which will avoid
doing things by bits. He called another nurse who
came later still to put in the pump, and to lay a
bed-liner to prevent bed-soars; it's so comfortable
now, but they might bring a hospital bed on Monday
anyway.
What am I going to do with all my emails, but simply
copy-and paste something like this? I can't possible
respond to everyone. Thanks for the roses; I'll choose
the one with the curliques.
Best Wishes from Abhinyana.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was the last e-mail that Reverend Abhinyana sent
out.
He passed away on the 14th of April 2008, at 4.30am
in
Nambour, Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia.
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