Not This, Not That ~ MY FATHER DIES
My
mother’s 80th birthday was coming up, so I flew
back to visit her; I’d not told her I was coming,
so she got a surprise. Glen and Harold had also come
from England to visit. Meanwhile, over in Melbourne,
some people from the old group had got together and
decided to rent another place for me so we could continue
our meetings. In late November, one of them drove
over to collect me and my stuff, and put me up at
his home until a place had been found. Khanh
was a newcomer to the group, and must have seen I
had to use the toilet like everyone else or something,
and realized I was just an ordinary mortal, and started
to behave quite irrationally. I was glad to get away
from him to the flat that had been found for me. We
resumed our Sunday meetings, with Tuan translating
when he could make it.
It was while I was in Hawthorne that I met Mrs. Cam
Nguyen, a lady prominent in the Vietnamese community;
she used to at-tend our Sunday sessions. So, too,
I made contact with a woman in Adelaide named Joy,
who had got my address from one of my books. We began
to correspond frequently.
Then, one day, Khantipalo ~ or I should say, ex-Khantipalo,
who had reverted to his old name, Lawrence Mills ~
came to visit me. Dressed in ordinary clothes and
sporting a pony-tail ~ as favored by followers of
the particular form of Tibetan Buddhism he’d
adopted, Dzog-Chen, though why a pony-tail
should be considered de rigueur I really
don’t know. It had been some years since we’d
last met, and it was good to see him again; he was
much more human than he’d been before, and I
admired him for the step he’d taken, because
at his age, it must have been very difficult, as there
was no chance of him entering the work-force again.
I got the impression that he had no particular direction
in his mind; that was to come later, and he eventually
established a meditation-center in Northern Queensland,
where he settled down with the Sri Lankan lady he’d
married.
At the end of March ‘92, we participated in
the annual Clean-up Australia Day, when people
go out to pick up rubbish. This campaign was initiated
a few years earlier by a man named Ian Kiernan.
While sailing his yacht solo around the world, he
was so appalled by the amount of garbage floating
in the seas that when he returned to Sydney, he informed
some friends of his observations, and asked them to
join him in doing something about it on a practical
level. And so, because he cared enough, instead of
just thinking: “Oh, it’s terrible, but
I didn’t do it, so it’s not my responsibility,”
it has had a ripple-effect to the extent that an estimated
400,000 people took part in the clean-up nation-wide,
and every year since there have been more.
More kudos to Ian Kiernan for his courage and determination,
for striking a match and lighting the lamps of others
waiting by, unaware of the matches in their own hands!
Many of us wait for others to make the first move
and will then follow, hesitantly at first, perhaps,
and often glancing around to make sure we are not
alone, but with increasing confidence as we go on,
so that later, even if we do find ourselves alone
at times, it won’t matter.
Now, I don’t know Ian Kiernan, or anything of
his religious affilia-tions (if any), but I doubt
if he calls himself a Buddhist and burns incense to
an image of the Buddha or Avalokitesvara for help
or salvation. I do know this, however: in doing what
he did, he was practicing what Buddhists call Dharma
or the Way, even if he was not aware of it;
and in that sense, he is a Buddhist, much moreso,
in fact, than people who call themselves ‘Buddhists’
but who do not live by the Dharma. You see, contrary
to what many people think, Dharma is not something
mysterious, esoteric or airy-fairy, that can be understood
by only very few highly-intellectual or learned people;
nor is it something to believe in and pray to for
salvation, but something of ordinary everyday life,
by following which we can help to make this world
~ our world, not mine or yours
~ a little bit better. Scattering garbage not only
pollutes, destroys and causes problems for others,
but is also an indication of the mental state of those
who do it: care-less, dull and stupid. Cleaning up
where others have despoiled, however, signifies caring,
thoughtful and responsive minds. What we do is a reflection
of what and how we think. And it is almost certain
that those who go out to pick up garbage one day of
the year, will not scatter garbage themselves throughout
the year. And not only does this activity have a ripple-effect,
spread-ing outwards from the man who started the campaign,
but also has a spill-over-effect in those who get
involved, for it probably will not stop at just garbage,
if it began there; it will affect other areas of their
lives, too. It is nothing less than a spiritual activity!
From my Sunday-school days ~ which weren’t a
waste of time after all ~ I recall a little song about
foundations, based upon one of Jesus’ parables;
it is sound Dharma:
The foolish man built his house upon
the sand
And the rain came tumbling down.
The rain came down and the floods came up
And the house on the sand went c-r-a-s-h!
The wise man built his house upon
the rock
And the rain came tumbling down.
The rain came down and the floods came up,
But the house of the rock stood firm.
If we would examine our motives for what we do, and
try to replace belief, fear, greed, compulsion and
external authority with understanding and responsibility,
our lives would rest on much firmer foundations than
they do. We would then do what is right simply because
it is right, and for no other reason.
I spent almost a year in that flat, and then accepted
the invitation of someone over in Springvale to stay
with him; His name was Quy, and he was single at that
time and lived alone in his house; he was also vegetarian,
which made things easier for me. While I was there,
a lady brought her teenage son to me, and asked me
to help him, saying he had a terrible temper. So entered
my life Trung, and would remain with me for some years,
causing me many headaches. I often wanted to chase
him off, and sometimes did so; he also got mad with
me on many occasions, but we were somehow reconciled.
I guess there was some kar-mic-connection with him
from the past.
It was alright at Quy’s for a while, but when
he announced his intention to go to Vietnam in order
to get married, I realized that he’d invited
me there so I would take care of the place while he
was away. I didn’t mind this, but upon his return
a month later, he wasn’t the same person, and
made it quite clear that it was time I left. When
one door closes, another door opens, however, and
while I was there, I’d been introduced to a
Chinese temple not far away known as Bright Moon
Buddhist Society. I gave a talk there, and it
was later arranged that I should go to stay there.
But first, I availed myself of a ride back to Adelaide
on a coach-trip organized by Mrs. Cam Nguyen, who
often arranged trips to different parts. I had arranged
with Joy to stay with her for a while, even though
she was a widow and lived alone, not a very wise thing
to do, but as with the people in Manila jail, I knew
my own mind.
Reaching Adelaide, I left the coach and Joy met me
in her car and took me to her place. I spent two weeks
there, and did some jobs around the place for her;
she treated me kindly, but was the possessive-type
and wanted to control me, not knowing that this was
impossible. She drove me out to Gawler and left me
there, and after a while, I returned to Melbourne
yet again, to take up residence in Bright Moon.
Now, this place was in an ideal location, beside a
busy road, and people would see the sign outside and
stop by out of curios-ity. But it was run more like
a business than a Buddhist center, and there were
things going on that suggested a cooking of the books.
I wasn’t aware of this until I’d been
there for some time, of course. Something I did notice
almost as soon as I went to stay there, however, was
a presence, and I said to a volunteer named Lam, “There’s
something here, you know.”
“How can there be,” he said, “with
Buddha here?”
“That’s not Buddha,” I said, “but
only an image.” There really was something there,
and I felt and heard it so many times. The place was
very large, set in a big block of land, and had been
built as a sports-complex, so there was a gym, a sauna,
squash-courts, and even a swimming-pool, all unused
now. It was then used for some time as a restaurant
before being bought and turned into a temple. A caretaker
would stay overnight there, but apart from him, I
was alone in the place when everyone went home. Now,
I’ve mentioned earlier in my story that I am
rather sensitive to spirits or ghosts, and I was no
less so here. I often sensed something outside my
tiny room, and when I used the bathroom and toilet
at the rear in the early morning, there was so much
inexplicable noise at times that I thought the roof
might fall in on me! I began to call the presence
Jeffrey. One night, when I was getting water
from the drinking-fountain, something pushed me from
behind and almost knocked me down, but I was alone
in the place at the time; could it have been Jeffrey,
seek-ing attention? I tried to do something for him,
meditating and sending positive thoughts, but had
no success in exorcizing him.
Months after I went to stay there, the temple sponsored
a monk from China, and prepared a nice room for him
at the rear of the temple, sparing no expense. It
wasn’t long after Miao Chin got there
that he also sensed something; he heard doors opening
and closing in the night.
I gave very few talks during my stay there, not because
I didn’t want, but because people there didn’t
request any; the few that I did give were to outsiders,
like members of the Buddhist groups from various universities.
What I had to give, the Dull Moonies didn’t
want; what they wanted, I either didn’t have
or wouldn’t give. Like in so many Chinese temples
where I’d stayed before, they were concerned
only with ceremonies and making money. Interest in
or desire for Dharma was noticeably lacking.
A Dutch nun once came to give a talk there ~ a dogmatic
and forceful woman who had a speech impediment; she
was unable to pronounce the letter ‘s’
correctly; it always came out as ‘sh,’
so you can imagine how it sounded when she spoke about
‘sit-ting in meditation’!
One day, a young woman in her thirties named Loi
came to talk with me. She was Vietnamese-Chinese ~
that is, ethnic Chinese from Vietnam ~ and said she
was interested in Buddhism, being from a nominally-Buddhist
family. I had no idea what this first meeting would
lead to, but before long, she brought her teenage
nephew, Phong, and younger niece, Liz,
to meet me. Loi’s mar-riage was in the middle
of breaking up; I don’t really know why; she
hadn’t been married long, but I think she really
hadn’t tried to make it work; her husband was
a nice-enough guy. Anyway, she became very supportive
of me, and often took me for Sun-day-drives, with
Phong and Trung; it was so nice to get away from the
silliness in the temple; anything was better than
that! Phong was pretty bright, and seemed genuinely
interested in Dharma, much moreso than Trung. More
about them all later.
In October 1993, I’d had enough of Dull Moon
and felt the urge to travel again, so got a ticket
to Malaysia, and just as I was about to leave, I came
down with ‘flu, so decided to delay my departure
for a week, preferring to be sick in Australia than
overseas. Two days after I did so, my father, who’d
been very ill for over a year, and in and out of hospital
quite frequently, died. For him, it was a release
as he was 84 and had suffered a lot through his illness;
moreover, there was clearly little chance of him recovering.
It was not a shock for me to learn of his death, therefore,
as I had been expecting it. Mum left it several hours
before calling me to tell me he’d gone, which
was a bit late, but I immediately meditated for him.
At first, I didn’t intend to go for the funeral,
feeling there was nothing I could do for him that
I couldn’t do where I was, but the Dull Moonies
were a bit shocked at this, and insisted I go, even
getting the round-trip plane-ticket for me. It was
good that they did so, because when I got home, I
felt his presence around the place as if he were still
there, as he might well have been, even though his
body was in the funeral-parlor. I lay on his bed and
meditated, trying to tune in to him and send him positive
thoughts; at night, I sat outside his work-shed where
he used to potter around, and sang his favorite song:
“English Country Garden”. I got a lot
of energy coming through, and felt good.
I was unpleased, however, by mum’s decision
to go to England; she’d already bought a ticket
and started packing, and disposing of things she didn’t
want or wouldn’t need any more. I remon-strated
with her, saying it was too soon, that it was winter
there and she’d suffer from the cold; also that
her friends would not be impressed, but she was adamant.
I knew she wanted to see her old boyfriend, and I
lost a lot of respect for her because of that.
Because she was a Christian, she had the funeral conducted
accordingly, with a minister of the Salvation Army
presiding; about thirty people attended. I stated
my intention to speak, too. The minister spoke first,
and said quite a lot about God, Jesus, life-after-death,
Heaven, and so on. Then it was my turn to speak, and
although I’d prepared some notes beforehand,
I spoke extemporaneously. The gist of my talk was
as follows:
“It is not a strange thing that we should grow
old and die. The strange thing, on the contrary, is
that we should live as long as we do! And who would
wish to live forever? We get bored with our limited
lives as it is!
“My father couldn’t complain that life
had short-changed him; he lived for 84 years and witnessed
many momentous changes in the world in this most-momentous
century of all. And it is appro-priate that the father
should precede the son into the Unknown; this is the
natural order of things; it would be more sad if it
were the other way around.
“It is my opinion, after many years of experience,
that a funeral-ceremony is more for the living than
for the dead, as the dead have left us to follow their
destiny, while the living remain ~ hopefully to learn
more about the life that is ours for just a while.
At a funeral-ceremony, we are faced with the stark
reality of life: that we will all go the same way
as the one who has just gone. And death, strangely
enough, is the key to life; instead of being something
morbid to think about, it provides us with an incentive
to live life more fully, while we have the opportunity
to do so.
“Where we came from before we came into this
world, and where we will go when we leave it, no-one
knows. There are many concepts and beliefs about this
matter, but they often con-flict with and contradict
each other. We may believe this or that, but to be
honest, we simply do not know.
“Buddhism, too, has its concept about what happens
after we die, but since I, as a monk, have had no
direct personal experi-ence of it, I am not qualified
to say anything about it; were I to do so, I would
merely be repeating what I have read or heard from
others, and to me, that is not good enough. I prefer
what Confu-cius is reported to have said when someone
asked him: “Master, what happens after we die?”
He replied: “Why do you want to know about that?
You don’t even know how to live now!”
“But, although I know nothing about life-after-death,
I have had some experience of this life, and am therefore
somewhat quali-fied to speak about it.
“My father was nominally a Christian, as that
was the only relig-ion he knew about. But names mean
very little, and sometimes less than nothing. However,
he belonged to the religion that we all belong to,
and cannot get away from, but which very few of us
know much about, as it is so ordinary and every-day:
the Re-ligion of Life and Living. There are differences
between us, of course ~ differences in race, nationality,
religion, politics, culture, language and so on ~
but they are not nearly as important as we make them
out to be. The similarities, the common denominators,
are more numerous and much more important: people
eve-rywhere wish to be happy and free from suffering;
all have hopes, fears and aspirations. And if we understand
our own feel-ings, hopes and desires, we will also
understand others, and know what to do in our relationships
and dealings with them, for they feel basically the
same as us. The practice of the Religion of Life and
Living, therefore, necessarily begins with ourselves,
but should not end there. From understanding ourselves,
we must extend our understanding outwards and expand
our hori-zons to embrace an ever-greater portion of
the world we live in.
“Life is precious, but the only place and time
we have for living is HERE and NOW, for in reality,
the past and the future do not exist. As far as we
are concerned ~ each one of us ~ there is only the
Here and Now; we cannot live anywhere else. Just try
to live anywhere other than where you are: you will
find that, wherever you are, it is always HERE. And
whatever stage of life you might be in ~ infancy,
youth, maturity or old age ~ it is al-ways NOW. It
is therefore of great importance to live as close
to the present as possible.
“Science has shown that nothing can be completely
destroyed without trace; things are merely transformed
into other things. So, we should consider death as
a transformation; the life which informs our bodies
here will flow on into other forms.
“So now, I hope and pray ~ and I’m sure
you will join with me in this ~ that the person, force
or energy which was my father in this life will go
on into a higher and better life, will go on fear-lessly
and with a light heart. May he be well, courageous
and safe now, wherever, however and whatever he might
be”.
After the service almost everyone there came up to
me and said things like, “You gave us so much
to think about!” The best part about it all,
however, was that both Sheila and Frank ~ who have
never been at all religious (I am from a family of
‘heathens’ ~ apart from my mother ~ who
have not the slightest interest in things of the spirit)
~ both had tears in their eyes, and Frank was so stuck
for words that his handshake was followed by a hug!
I was amazed, as he is an unemotional person and we
had never been close. I thought: “If only
Dad could see this now! It would almost have been
worth dying for!”
Where my father had gone, I don’t know, but
do know that I could not think badly about him; such
thoughts did not come into my mind any more, and I
was happy about this, for he had his negativities,
as we all do. I must confess that there were many
times when I thought badly about him, but these burdens
had been put down and I must express my gratitude
to him for all the help he gave me, directly and indirectly.
He wasn’t the best fa-ther in the world, perhaps,
but neither was he the worst. He was, simply, my
Dad. And from him, perhaps, I got my love of books.
At the funeral-service, Sheila introduced me to one
of her neighbors, a Malaysian lady by the name of
Annie, who told me she’d heard about me from
a friend of hers in Penang. I asked who it was, but
the name she gave ~ Yeap Tor Hor ~ didn’t
ring a bell, and I have a good memory for names. It
turned out that we had never met, but more about him
in a while.
That afternoon, the phone rang. It was Wilanie, the
Sri Lankan lady in Adelaide, wanting to know my number
in Melbourne, as some friends of hers wished to invite
me to preside at a memo-rial service for their late
mother the following Saturday; she was very pleased,
therefore, to learn that I was there in Gawler. I
told her I intended to return to Melbourne on the
Friday as I was booked to fly out to Malaysia on the
Sunday. She requested me to delay my departure yet
again, assuring me that her friends would pay any
cancellation fees. To accommodate them, and also because
I saw an opportunity to share something of the Dharma,
I agreed to her request, and made a further postpone-ment
of my trip.
That Saturday, I was picked up and taken to the house
where the ceremony was to be. Many people had assembled,
and after a sumptuous lunch, I began my talk, which
went on for about two hours. At the end of it, someone
whom I didn’t at first recog-nize came up to
me and said that he had enjoyed my talk. Rec-ognition
then dawned: it was a man with whom I’d had
some dis-agreement way back in 1975 and had not seen
since. How good it is to resolve old conflicts and
allow the wounds to finally heal!
This was yet another spin-off or follow-up of my dad’s
death; but there were others, and I recount some of
them here to show how one thing leads to another in
chain-like sequence. There is really no beginning
or end to anything; everything has causes. Dad’s
death was not an accident but an effect, and led ~
like everything does ~ to other things. After this
talk, there was a re-quest for another talk that evening,
also to Sri Lankans. There was no Sri Lankan monk
in Adelaide at that time, nor, it seemed, any monk
who spoke English well, and so, whenever I was back
there and the Sri Lankans knew it, they invited me
to give talks. They were concerned ~ and rightly so
~ that their young people, who have grown up there
and whose first language is English, do not understand
their religion well, and might lose touch with it.
Some of my talks there went on for almost five hours!
Between the talks in the afternoon and evening, Wilanie
discov-ered I was suffering from pains in my chest
and left arm, so called a Sri Lankan doctor to come
over and check me. Now, for the sake of anyone else
who might be suffering from similar pains, I’d
like to say that I’d had these pains, on and
off, since 1976, but all the tests I’d undergone
in various places, revealed nothing; all I was ever
told was that it was not my heart at fault; I was
never told what it was. The pain was so bad at times
that it felt as if I were being stabbed or having
a heart-attack. And ear-lier that year, in Melbourne,
I had a prolonged bout of this pain that spread from
my chest down my left arm into my hand, where it had
never been before, and so concerned was I by this
that I went, late one night, to the emergency-ward
of a large hospital nearby and had an ECG, but again,
it showed my heart to be normal. The pain, this time,
lasted for several months and was quite debilitating;
I could neither sit, stand nor walk for long without
the pain increasing; the only position that I felt
reasona-bly comfortable in was lying down; it quite
curtailed my activities. The numerous acupuncture
sessions I underwent, far from bringing any relief,
only exacerbated the pain, and caused con-siderable
bruising; the copious draughts of bitter Chinese medi-cine
and Western analgesics also had no effect.
Dr. Karunaratna ~ for such was the name of the doctor
who came to check me ~ asked if I’d ever had
a neck x-ray, and sug-gested I get one done, as he
felt the trouble might be from pinched nerves in my
neck. That was strange, because not long before, I’d
thought that the pains might be caused by nerves.
Over the years, I’d been given various ‘diagnoses,’
including a blockage of the vital-energy (‘chi’),
inflammation of the rib-cartilage, and even spirit-possession!
Dr Karu’s explanation made more sense than even
the sanest-sounding of the others, and I resolved
to follow it up on my return to Melbourne.
When I got back to Melbourne the next day, I was met
at the airport by Trung and his dad, and on the way
back to the temple, was asked if I’d like to
visit a friend on the route. “Why not?”
I said, and so we went. Upon arriving there, I was
told that Tuan’s father was near to death in
hospital. I asked Trung’s dad if we might stop
at the hospital next, so we went directly there. Making
our way to the ward where he was confined, we found
all his family gathered around his bed, on which he
was lying in a coma, connected to life-support apparatus,
with tubes running in and out of him in all directions;
it looked as if he had already gone. His family was
standing numbly and quietly, and I said to Tuan that
this was an appropriate time for a Dharma-talk; he
agreed, and asked everyone to listen. I spoke of the
need at that time for everyone to control their grief,
which would not help the departing person in any way
and might even impede him, and to think with one mind
in sending him positive thoughts. He loved you, I
said, just as you loved him, and if he is still aware
of us now, he would wish you to be happy, not sad.
We cannot bring him back but must let him go, and
in doing so, you should now focus on the good times
you shared with him, and think posi-tively, in order
to speed him on his way. As I spoke, Tuan no-ticed
tears coming from his father’s eyes; had he
understood what I was saying? He died soon afterwards,
and I was re-quested to speak at his funeral, which
I did.
I couldn’t get an appointment to see a neurologist
in Melbourne be-fore I flew out to Malaysia a few
days later, as the waiting-list was too long, and
by the time I did, my mother had already gone to England,
instructing Sheila to sell all her furniture and other
stuff, as she wouldn’t be coming back. So she
thought.
Wong met me at the airport with his wife and young
daughter, and took me to stay in his new house, while
I prepared to make another trip to India. The same
friends who had taken me to see Dr. Soo in ’91,
knowing of my pains, took me to see him again. I told
him what Dr Karunaratna had said, and he immediately
made an appointment for me to see Malaysia’s
leading neuro-surgeon, who was a personal friend of
his. Dr Bala’s clinic was crowded and I had
to wait for several hours before being called into
his examining-room, by which time, the x-rays that
had been taken on my neck while I was waiting, were
ready. Again, I was lucky to meet a kind and sympathetic
doctor ~ the third in a row ~ and he showed me from
the x-rays and explained in layman’s terms,
the cause of the pains that had troubled me on and
off for so long. Not only this, but he told me it
was quite a common complaint ~ known as cervical
spondylosis ~ and that, in fact, he’d had
it himself some years before, but it had responded
to medication without requiring surgery. He said that
a minor op-eration could fix it permanently but advised
against it at my age, as it might cause complications.
He gave me some medication and I was happy to pay
the bill of M$150; it was such a relief to finally
know the cause of the pains, as not-knowing was just
as bad as the pains themselves! If anyone else has
been suffering from this ailment, without knowing
what it is, and reads this and gets some insight into
it, my pain will not have been in vain; I have told
of it here in case there are other sufferers of the
same thing who might get some relief.
The medication worked and some weeks later, the pain
sub-sided to such a degree that I no longer needed
it. I’ve not had it badly since then, but if
they return, I’ll know better how to deal with
them, and there will not be the fear that it is life-threatening.
“The
book has been man’s greatest triumph. Seated
in my library, I live in a time-machine. In an instant
I can be transmitted to any era, any part of the world,
even to outer space.
“I have lived in every period of history. I
have listened to the Buddha speak, marched with Alexander,
sailed with the Vikings, ridden in canoes with Polynesians.
I have been at the courts of Queen Elizabeth and Louis
XIV; I have been a friend to Captain Nemo and have
sailed with Captain Bligh on the Bounty. I have walked
in the agora with Socrates and Plato, and listened
to Jesus deliver the Sermon on the Mount. “Best
of all, I can do it all again, at any moment. The
books are there. I have only to reach up to the shelves
and take them down to relive the moments I have loved.”
- Louis L’Amour: The Sackett Companion
“The
hardest part about gaining any new idea is sweeping
out the false idea occupying that niche. As long as
that niche is occupied, evidence and proof and logical
demonstration get nowhere. But once the niche is emp-tied
of the wrong idea that has been filling I ~ once you
can honestly say, "I don't know," then it
becomes possible to get at the truth.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~
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