Behind The Mask ~ PLEASE DON'T EMBARRASS
ME
Does
it—and must it—happen in every generation
and age that parents and children embarrass each other?
Turbulent feelings arise because of it, so it is something
to be seriously considered, in order to find ways
of dealing with or lessening this distressing emotion.
These days, parents usually decide to have
children, rather than having them uncontrollably;
with multiple means of birth-control available, it
is their choice, but it is still a tremendous gamble,
as there is just no way of knowing how children will
turn out, even with the best of nurturing. Children,
however—as far as we can tell—have no
choice about being born, although some people who
subscribe to the concept of reincarnation believe
that we do choose, in order to learn certain lessons
in a particular family and environment; but the realities
of life do not support this idea, as many people appear
to learn very little from their experiences, and when
people are so poor and suffering, it is hard to imagine
them considering the lessons to be learned from their
situation when they can think of little else than
how to survive. Other people believe that at a certain
level of development, we can choose where we will
be reborn, into what kind of family, and for what
purpose. They maintain that the majority of people
are like coconuts falling from their trees: it cannot
be predicted where they will come to rest; others,
however, who have cultivated and developed their minds
to a high degree (very few people, obviously), do
have some control over where they will be reborn,
much like a bird flying from one tree to another.
(Tibetan tulkus or ‘incarnate lamas’ would
slot into this category, if it is true, though I’ve
often wondered why we hear only of Tibetans reincarnating
like this, when all Buddhists, of whatever sect or
school, accept the concept of reincarnation or rebirth).
However, who knows about this for sure? For most of
us it is just a matter of speculation.
Obviously, most parents derive a great deal
of joy and pleasure from their children, and willingly
put up with the expense and unpleasant aspects of
taking care of them such as changing dirty diapers,
getting up in the middle of the night to tend them,
nursing them through sickness, and so on; crying is
also something that parents must learn to deal with,
as a baby’s cry can be quite nerve-grating,
especially if kept up for long periods; it is almost
like a weapon that children soon learn how to use
effectively to get what they want.
From early years, children begin to display
their personalities, each one different. Some children
are inexplicably hyperactive and naughty, and this
causes anguish to their parents, who must often try
to explain it away to others and make excuses and
apologies; it is both exhausting and embarrassing.
Everyone would like to have polite and well-mannered
kids, but why some kids are naturally better-behaved
than others, we don’t know; it is not always
a result of nurture, as naughty children are sometimes
born to cultured and sensitive people, while well-behaved
kids are sometimes found to have rough and careless
parents.
There must be many embarrassing moments
in the lives of parents caused by their children,
directly or indirectly, as parents are responsible
for their kids, of course. But it is not one-sided.
As children grow up and their personalities develop,
they become more sensitive about what other people—and
especially their peers—think and, just as parents
want to be proud of their children, so children want
to be proud of their parents and hate to be embarrassed
by or because of them.
Now, embarrassment happens; it’s part
of life. But much of it could be avoided if we understood
that, just as it is abhorrent to us, so others also
dislike it, and therefore there are good reasons for
not deliberately embarrassing others; also, if we
thought a little bit ahead and used our imagination,
we might be able to avoid causing embarrassment unintentionally.
Dialogue between parents and children is
absolutely indispensable if there is to be understanding.
They might ask each other what embarrasses them and
try, thereafter, to avoid doing or saying anything
that causes this horrible feeling. Family secrets—and
all families have them—should not be brought
out into the open, for one thing; embarrassing incidents
should be, as far as possible, left to die natural
deaths, and should not be resurrected for the sake
of amusing others, unless with the consent of all
concerned.
Can parents and children respect—for
that what it comes down to: respect—each other’s
sensitivities enough to want to avoid causing them
the pain of embarrassment? Let them try treating each
other responsibly and consulting each other about
it in a mature and open manner; much good might come
of it. If people find it hard to talk about things
face-to-face, important matters could be ‘discussed’
by writing, and if the point is expressed by one party
and understood by the other in this way, that kind
of embarrassment might be avoided. All possible things
should be tried for the sake of better communication. |